International Earth-Destruction Advisory Board

The International Earth Destruction Advisory Board (IEDAB) is an independent scientific institution which monitors the current status of the Earth and the number of times it has been destroyed. In the event of the Earth being destroyed it will be the IEDAB's job to relay this information to people who need to know and provide advice on how to proceed.

The IEDAB is funded entirely by charitable donations.

Urgent update, September 10, 2008

It is our duty to inform you that as of 7:35:05am UTC on September 10, 2008, the Earth has been destroyed.

The destruction of Earth was first reported by Mr Jonathan Barber of Wisconsin, United States, who spotted that his home-made seismic Earth Detector had ceased to give readings at around 8:00am (2am local time). Several other amateur geocide spotters noticed this at the same time but Mr. Barber was the first to place a telephone call to the IEDAB's Geocide Hotline (+44 115 09Ω 4127, ask for Other Dave) at which point IEDAB officials performed an emergency check of their own instrumentation and verified Mr. Barber's report, as well as fixing the exact time of geocide.

Evidence is still being collated, but preliminary results suggest that the Earth was destroyed pre-emptively by scientists at the Large Hadron Collider at CERN, Geneva, Switzerland, before the commencement of their experiments to locate the Higgs Boson, as a precautionary measure to ensure that the experiment itself could not result in the destruction of the Earth.

Current Earth-Destruction Status (CEDS)

EARTH-DESTRUCTION ALERT LEVEL: RED

Current Earth-Destruction Status

A "Red" Earth-Destruction Alert Level (EDA Level) indicates that the Earth has been destroyed. If the Earth had not been destroyed, the EDA Level would be set at "Green".

CURRENT GEOCIDE COUNT: 1

The Current Geocide Count (CGC) indicates in real time how many geocides have taken place; that is, the number of times the Earth has been destroyed. A value of "1" indicates that at present, the Earth has been destroyed. If the Earth had not been destroyed, the CGC would read "0".

FAQ

THE EARTH HAS BEEN DESTROYED! WHAT DO I DO?!!

Don't panic.

If you took the advice in our leaflet, "Preparing For Geocide", you will have made arrangements for this eventuality by preparing a Geocide Refuge either on a space station, ark ship, or other Earth-like planet. If you have done this, now is the time to make your way to your refuge. Do not stop to collect belongings, pets, or sentimental souvenirs of Earth, such as rocks.

If you have not prepared a Geocide Refuge and your local governing body has not created one for you, your best bet is to signal for help using a walkie-talkie or cellular telephone. Possibly a passing extraterrestrial will rescue you.

My baby's in there!

Your baby has most likely been destroyed.

The Earth hasn't been destroyed! What are you talking about?

Some of you will find it tougher to let go than others. There will be counselling sessions running on Pluto starting in mid-April. The first is at 7:15pm on Thursday 18th. BYOO2.

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