How sinful are you?

You've seen what you owe the RIAA. Now let's see what you owe God.

We'll take this commandment by commandment:

Fill in the blanks and hit "Calculate"

Put your information here

Notes (for the curious)

Are you a practicing member of an Abrahamic religion? Specifically, do you worship God/Jehovah/Allah?

Yes
No
No, I worship somebody/something else

Commandments #1 and #2, "Worship no God but me" and "Do not worship idols". "Me", here, specifically refers to the Abrahamic god known variously as God, Jehovah, Allah, Yahweh, etc., and "idols" refers inanimate objects such as statues, shrines, football players and so on.

  • 1 sin for each non-Jehovah worshipped

Interesting side note: the Bible nowhere specifically states that gods other than Jehovah do not exist, only that they should not be worshipped. Also, failing to worship anything at all does not seem to be a sin.

How many times in a typical day do you use interjections such as "Oh God", "Jesus Christ" etc.?

Commandment #3, "No blasphemy". Blasphemy is "taking the name of the Lord in vain", i.e., using "God" and "Jesus" as exclamations, rather than to refer to the deitic entities themselves.

  • Counted retroactively since you were old enough to talk (age roughly 2� years)

Note that the use of four-letter words and generalised swearing are not prohibited by this rule - they are sins only in that they can offend other people, which contravenes "Love thy neighbour". Note also that "Love thy neighbour" does not actually appear in the Ten Commandments, despite being described as the second most important commandment by Jesus in the New Testament. Nor does Jesus' "most important" commandment, "Love God".

Do you work on the Sabbath?

Yes
No

Commandment #4, "Honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy". You are entitled to choose any day of the week to be the Sabbath unless you are already a member of a mainstream religion which picks one for you (Christianity = Sunday, Judaism = Saturday, etc.). If you are atheistic then you presumably hold each day to be as holy or non-holy as the next, but you should probably still take at least one day off per week to avoid overwork.

Even obeying the astoundingly strict definitions of "work" laid down in Judaic law it is impossible to avoid being indirectly the cause of Sabbath-day work, regardless of the day you pick and what you do on that day. For example, a newspaper you read on Monday was probably mostly written on Sunday, so technically you shouldn't buy that newspaper either; the same goes for almost every product you ever buy. Thus, regardless of your answer to this question, you get:

  • 1 sin per week since you were born

No question here...

Commandment #5, "Honour your father and mother". This commandment is obviously about teenage rebellion, which has been a problem since at least the time of the ancient Greeks, and probably for as long as there have been teenagers.

  • 1 sin per parent per day between the ages of 13 and 19 years inclusive

Have you ever had or performed an abortion?

Yes, I have had or performed abortion(s)
No

Commandment #6, "No murder". We are assuming here that you have never murdered anybody (the odds of that being true are vanishingly small and - be honest - you'd probably simply put a humorously large number as a response) but most forms of Christianity and many other religions consider abortion, regardless of foetal stage, to also be murder.

  • 1 sin per abortion

Ever committed adultery?

Yes, time(s)
No

Commandment #7, "No adultery". Adultery is having sex with a person who is not your spouse. You have to be married before you can commit adultery. This commandment states nothing about pre- or post-marital sex in general, or the expected genders of the people involved. Multiple instances over the course of the same affair DO count as separate sins.

  • 1 sin per individual act of adultery

By the way, we don't collect any of this data. (Honest. Check the source code, it's all done client-side, using JavaScript.)

How many times in a typical week do you steal things (pens from work, biscuits, VCRs, cars, intellectual property, etc.)?

Commandment #8, "No stealing". It is not actually possible to steal intellectual property except in as much as it is possible to physically remove ideas from people's brains.

  • Counted retroactively since you were old enough to take things without asking (age 4)

Do you ever tell lies?

Yes
No
"No"

Commandment #9, "No lying". Includes "white lies".

  • 1 sin per two days since you were old enough to talk (age roughly 2� years)

Are you a human being?

Yes
No

Commandment #10, "No coveting". Now, this is arguably the least well-defined and most difficult-to-obey of all commandments. The specific wording... well, to be honest, the specific wording is in Hebrew, but the New Revised Standard Version of the last commandment boils down to "You shall not covet... your neighbor's wife... or anything that belongs to your neighbor," (where the ellipses stand for helpful examples such as "oxen" and "slaves").

For "your neighbour" it's probably safe to substitute "other people", not literally limit the definition to the people who live in the next house up the street and the people who live in the next house down the street.

But what does "covet" mean? Usually, it's wanting something really badly, specifically when it belongs to somebody else. But how badly? What if you just idly wish for it? If you're hungry, are you coveting other people's food? If you immediately go and buy some food, are you still guilty of coveting? Is it a sin to need a drink of water?

Probably not.

Even so. Everybody wants something they can't have. Only a very small number of people in the world are totally happy with the way their lives are and ask literally nothing from tomorrow, and it is safe to assume these people are emotionless automatons.

  • 10 sins per day since you were tall enough to look into shop windows (age 4 years)

Finally, your date of birth, please?

-- (YYYY-MM-DD)

The longer you live, the more sins, generally, you will have committed.

Number of sins you have committed:

Commentary

Okay. The first thing you'll have noticed: This entire thing is wildly, wildly inaccurate. It's not right - it's probably not even wrong, because there is absolutely no way anybody will ever get close to figuring out a legal, scientific, objective definition of a sin, so the question "How many sins have I committed?" is meaningless.

Second thing. The weighting for sins is all wrong - that is, there isn't a weighting for sins. Ogling a new television is 1 sin. Murdering your brother is also 1 sin. The latter is far, far more grave, and the former is an example of thoughtcrime - a type of sin which actually does not harm anybody and shouldn't be counted as a sin at all. (Certainly there are no examples of thoughtcrime being an actual crime in any reasonably free country.) But they apparently count equally. So even if "sin" could be accurately defined, the number of sins committed is all but irrelevant without considering the magnitude of each sin individually. The only practical alternative is to simply cut through all the confusion and work on a binary system: Either you've sinned, or you haven't. And for this totalizer, at least, "haven't" is impossible. I know, I coded it. So why bother counting at all?

Third thing. We're missing "Love Thy Neighbour" and "Love God", stated in the New Testament to be the two most important commandments. Turns out, they aren't even commandments at all, except in the context of the rest of the Pentateuch (first five books of the Bible), which includes a shocking amount of additional commandments, many of which are preposterously out of date and irrelevant to the modern day (stoning to death as a viable punishment, homosexuality being bad, if you find mildew in your shower you have to KNOCK DOWN YOUR HOUSE etc.). Which highlights the arbitrary nature of selecting ten particular commandments from a complete list of thousands to use as one's sole guide to wrongdoing. Why chose these Ten Commandments, other than to make the JavaScript easier?

Fourthly. What about other religions?! Why chose Bible over the Torah, the Qur'an and so on? Every other religion worth speaking of has some concept of wrongdoing and most of them have systems in place for dealing with wrongdoing. Why not list those? (Actual answer: I'm more familiar with the subject matter. If anybody wants to code up the Islamic equivalent to a Sin Calculator I would take great pleasure in linking to it.)

And there's more, lots more. But I won't discuss it here.

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