International Earth-Destruction Advisory Board (April Fool's Day 2006)

The International Earth Destruction Advisory Board (IEDAB) is an independent scientific institution which monitors the current status of the Earth and the number of times it has been destroyed. In the event of the Earth being destroyed it will be the IEDAB's job to relay this information to people who need to know and provide advice on how to proceed.

The IEDAB is funded entirely by charitable donations.

Urgent update, March 31, 2006

It is our duty to inform you that as of 11:06:54pm UTC on March 31, 2006, the Earth has been destroyed.

The destruction of Earth was first reported by Mr. Bostick C. Beard of Errington, Utah, United States, who spotted that his home-made seismic Earth Detector had ceased to give readings at around 11:10pm (4:10pm local time). Several other amateur geocide spotters noticed this at the same time but Mr. Beard was the first to place a telephone call to the IEDAB's Geocide Hotline (+44 115 09Ω 4127, ask for Phil) at which point IEDAB officials performed an emergency check of their own instrumentation and verified Mr. Beard's report, as well as fixing the exact time of geocide.

There is not much left of the Earth to analyse and determine exactly how it was destroyed, but this in itself is telling. An absence of wreckage suggests that the Earth has either undergone total existence failure (TEF) or it has been erased from history by time travel.

The preposterous odds against spontaneous TEF strongly indicate that the TEF, if that was indeed what happened, was caused by some external force, possibly a person. If this is the case then it is not inconceivable that somebody could locate this person, confiscate whatever device caused the TEF and reverse its settings, causing the Earth to instantly pop back into existence.

In the case of time travel, it again seems likely that somebody went back in time and erased Earth from history on purpose. This means it would not be impossible for somebody to now go back in time and stop that person, thus resetting the timeline and bringing the Earth back into existence. The interesting part about this possibility is that if it did work, all our memories of the Earth ever having been destroyed would be erased, and this page would be returned to normal as if nothing had ever happened.

Current Earth-Destruction Status (CEDS)

EARTH-DESTRUCTION ALERT LEVEL: RED

Current Earth-Destruction Status

A "Red" Earth-Destruction Alert Level (EDA Level) indicates that the Earth has been destroyed. If the Earth had not been destroyed, the EDA Level would be set at "Green".

CURRENT GEOCIDE COUNT: 1

The Current Geocide Count (CGC) indicates in real time how many geocides have taken place; that is, the number of times the Earth has been destroyed. A value of "1" indicates that at present, the Earth has been destroyed. If the Earth had not been destroyed, the CGC would read "0".

FAQ

THE EARTH HAS BEEN DESTROYED! WHAT DO I DO?!!

Don't panic.

If you took the advice in our leaflet, "Preparing For Geocide", you will have made arrangements for this eventuality by preparing a Geocide Refuge either on a space station, ark ship, or other Earth-like planet. If you have done this, now is the time to make your way to your refuge. Do not stop to collect belongings, pets, or sentimental souvenirs of Earth, such as rocks.

If you have not prepared a Geocide Refuge and your local governing body has not created one for you, your best bet is to signal for help using a walkie-talkie or cellular telephone. Possibly a passing extraterrestrial will rescue you.

My baby's in there!

Your baby has most likely been destroyed.

The Earth hasn't been destroyed! What are you talking about?

Some of you will find it tougher to let go than others. There will be counselling sessions running on Pluto starting in mid-April. The first is at 7:15pm on Saturday 18th. BYOO2.