Geocide is a lot more complicated than just pressing a big red button. It takes decades of hard work - and a lot more besides. Cast your eyes over the following questionnaire to see if you have what it takes.
Which of these best describes your childhood?
- Many a happy day spent building sandcastles at the beach
- Whenever I saw a giant pyramid of cans in a supermarket, I had an irresistible desire to pull out the bottom can
- I generally worked on plans to destroy the Earth
What level of scientific education do you possess?
- I dropped out of school and believe iPods run on magic smoke
- I have a bachelor's degree in engineering; I read Scientific American and build bridges out of stationery for entertainment
- I won the Nobel Prize for Physics at the age of eleven, with the help of my future self
How much money do you have?
- None or less
- I earn an honest wage and put most of it towards my pension
- All of it; all legal currency bears my likeness
Do you have access to space travel technology?
- I still believe Earth is at the centre of the universe
- I could go into space if I had a few million dollars to burn
- I visit Mars on lunch breaks
How are you at giving presentations?
- My PowerPoint-fu is poor and I can't hold people's attention
- I am clear, concise and persuasive; everybody follows my meticulously bullet-pointed suggestions
- My most recent speech was delivered to over a million people; it resulted in massive civil reforms in my home country and abroad and will be quoted in history books for centuries to come
How much political power do you have?
- Even my pets give me sass back
- I'm a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory
- All Earth is ground under the heel of my tyrannous rule
How long do you expect to live?
- I'll probably die young, in a blaze of glory, man
- I expect to die aged 75 to 100 years, having lived a full life
- Nine hundred million years or more
Do you have any geocide-related experience?
- I've watched Star Wars
- I worked on a NASA mission to crash a space probe into a comet
- Three years' asteroid mining management; 4-month internship at a small geocide contractor on Mimas
What would you do if the Earth were destroyed?
- Say "Cool!" and take a photo
- Begin work on Venus
Non-starter. You lack charisma, influence and talent. You seem to have spent your life assiduously avoiding gaining geocide-related skills and experience, and could probably only barely qualify for the role of "Screaming Victim #7" in the upcoming destruction of Earth. Your greatest strength is probably that you explode well.
Fair performance. You would make an ideal nameless, faceless lackey to the person who ultimately destroys the Earth; the job's yours, provided you can crank a wrench convincingly and supply your own hardhat and silver jumpsuit. Just try not to look expendable.
Better than perfect. I would be extremely surprised if you hadn't already destroyed the Earth and several other planets while filling in the Times crossword this morning. Best of luck conquering the rest of spacetime.